Battering Ram

I should just make a note right off the bat here: Husband, if you're reading this, STOP NOW. You're just gonna get angry at me for what I'm about to type, so you may as well save us both the trouble and STOP READING NOW. Just go play Sim City or watch the 13th hour of Sports Center or something... it will be better in the long run.

Ok, now that he's gone, I absolutely must tell you how terrified I am by The Hubs' new method of quieting E's cry. For starters you should understand that E has a touch of colic. She cries A LOT. Both The Husband and I have gone to extreme measures to calm her, but his latest trick leaves me wincing every time.

Whenever she gets particularly fussy, he wraps her up tightly in his arms ... feet toward his belly and head positioned like a battering ram and runs through the house. HOLY CRAPOLA. I almost passed out the first time he did this. Here's why:

About a month before E was born, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner. I could hear The Husband playing with Lola (the little terrier) in the front room. I heard her little claws clickity clackity on our hardwoods followed by The Hubs' sneakers squeaking around a corner. I heard a bark or 2 and then....... THUDDDDDD! Lying half in the kitchen and half in the living room was my 6' 3" husband, face down. I hurried over to see what had happened. Both Lola and I stood staring at him with our heads cocked. To the best of everyone's assumption, he just toppled. Planted his feet and dove head first toward the cold hard tile of our kitchen. He laid there for about 2 minutes, collected what was left of his dignity, stood up and grumbled, "What? I just fell, that's all." Que uproarious laughter from both me and the dog.

Ok, now fast forward to the sight of this same husband streaking through the house in his SOCK FEET whizzing my screaming daughter around. My heart stops just typing about it. I've mentioned that this maybe isn't the best idea he's ever had, but there's no telling the man. How much do you think it would cost to have our house fitted with those padded gym mats from floor to ceiling? I should probably do the side walk too... just in case.